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Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the ****er with water.'
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the ****er with water.'
Davy Jones of the Monkees has had his first fight in Heaven. He bumped into Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston and started singing Hey Hey it's the Junkies.....
then ..........but Now I'm a bereaver
then ..........but Now I'm a bereaver
A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Patrick went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Out walking over the Moors the other day when I came across a brand new range rover seemingly abandoned with the keys in the ignition, I thought this is a nice discovery
A young man excitedly takes he seat at his first FA cup final. A few minutes after k/o he notices the gap between himself and the elderly gent in the next seat but one.
Tentatively he says, "stange to have an empty seat, don't you think"?
The elderly gent says, "Ah, young man. That was my wife's seat. We watched the FA cup final for many years sitting together until she passed away".
Uncomfortable at his near gaff, the young man blusters further. "Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that", and then adds as an afterthought, "But surely another member of your family might have taken the seat"?
"Na", says the gent, "they are all at the funeral"!
Tentatively he says, "stange to have an empty seat, don't you think"?
The elderly gent says, "Ah, young man. That was my wife's seat. We watched the FA cup final for many years sitting together until she passed away".
Uncomfortable at his near gaff, the young man blusters further. "Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that", and then adds as an afterthought, "But surely another member of your family might have taken the seat"?
"Na", says the gent, "they are all at the funeral"!
not fluid gender, males only for he not sheWhat’s a he seat
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Star signs, it's all hocus pocus mumbo jumbo it's science where it's all at I mean don't get me started on particle physics that just gives me a hadron
LOL
Like in the services, securing a house
Tell it to a sailor and he walks round it, checking all the doors are locked and "shaking hands" with any padlocks
Tell it to an airman and he takes a 12 month lease on the building
Tell it to a paratrooper and he kicks in the door and kills everyone inside.
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a new powerful cabal has been formed in the cheese market........the hallouminatti