I was stood outside the pub having a smoke when this guy in a wheelchair came over to me and said "why do you smoke when you dont need to?" I looked at him and said "why do you wear shoes?"
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and Fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, wWhere St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got way too much to live for. Please send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way You can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but St. Peter explained that this was the only way he could return to the earth he knew. Faced with that reality, he begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, Out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife's voice, "BOB, wake up! You just **** the bed!"
My mate hired an Eastern European girl to clean his house. Took her 4 hours to hoover the floor, turns out she's a Slovak...
A few years ago I was visiting relatives on the West coast who lived in a remote cottage. At about 3am on the first night there was a thunderous knock at the front door. I answered it and there was the palest man I ever saw standing in the dark with mist all around him. "Sorry, but is there any chance you could give me a push? I can't manage it properly on my own" he said in an eerie voice. "Get to ****, it's way too early!!" I spat at him in a half-slumber then trudged back upstairs. My aunt accosted me on my way to bed and reminded me that I should be a good Samaritan and help him out, as if it had been me needing a push in the middle of nowhere I'd want some help. Grudgingly I agreed, put some suitable clothes on and went outside. Going outside the mist had intensified and it felt even colder than before. The pale man was nowhere to be seen and there was a strange squeaking "EEEeee, EEEeee" noise coming from somewhere. But I couldn’t place where. "Mate, do you still need a push? Are you still out there?" I called anxiously "EEEeee, EEEeee" came the reply. Again I called out, but louder this time "Do you still need that push pal?" No response again. Just that same repeated squeaking noise. I was getting seriously freaked out by this point, so steeling myself I shouted at the top of my voice over the squeaking noise. "Do you still need a push?" The reply finally came "Of course I ****ing do, I'm over here on the swings"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
A lesbain goes into a weight watchers meeting. The weight watchers lady says to her...you are what you eat. The lesbain says...so does that make me a ****.
A fat woman is walking past a pet shop when a parrot in the window shout, "Hawl, you fatty!". She ignored it, the next day it happened again, so she went into the shop and complaind, the shopkeeper said it wont happen again. The next day the parrot shouts, "Hawl, you fatty!" Again she goes into the shop and complains, the shopkeeper say's sorry, it won't happen again. Then the next day the woman is passing again, the parrot shouts, "Hawl you". The woman shouts, "WHAT!?". The parrot say's, "You know what".
Friendship among Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship among Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's House. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there
With Halloween coming up I went the the fancy dress shop to hire a Dracula costume. The girl there offered me a Spurs shirt, I said to her "sorry I think you misheard me. I want to look like a count".
