Jokes

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Ccfc4ever

Ccfc4ever

Well-Known Member
Mar 11, 2012
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Right I think it was eldon who suggested having a laugh before the season starts so I thought I'd start this nothing too personal please.

Michael laudrup has been woken up in the early hours of the morning by the fire brigade who tell him that the liberty stadium is on fire too which he replies "THE CUPS MAN, SAVE THE CUPS" then after consulting his fellow fireman the 1st fireman replies "don't worry mr laudrup, the fire hasn't spread to the cafe yet
 
I was playing the Merthyr version of 'Monopoly' today.

I rolled a one, landed on Merthyr, bought it and won the game.

Sorry anyone from Merthyr
 
They were gonna name the new royal baby the most common name in England to please the people but Mohamed just got out voted by George ....
 
I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
Its very rewarding but quite challenging.
It took me ages to get her husbands voice right.
 
conjunctivitis.com ...now there's a site for sore eyes.

When you're halfway through eating a scabby horse, do you think "perhaps I'm not as hungry as I thought?".

I saw an advert in a shop window "TV for sale, £1, volume stuck on full"...can't turn that down I thought to myself.

My mate bought a bottle of vinegar, and took it back because he found lumps in it....the shopkeeper was less than sympathetic, 'they're pickled onions you twat'.

A fat bloke orders an ice cream, the bloke in the van said "hundreds and thousands"....no, just the one you cheeky bastard!
 
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
 
Two horses walk into a bar and one says to the other " something really weird the other day, so I was in a race trailing behind in last place when a bolt of lightning struck me on the arse and I bolted forward and won the race " too which the second horse replies " wow what a coincidence the same thing happened to me I was barely running at the back thinking I was lasagna and then a bolt of lightning hit me and I won " then a greyhound walks up to the two horses and says " I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about the lightning but I thought it was a incredible coincidence because the same thing happened to me ", then the first horse looks at him and replies " wow Brian look at that a talking greyhound "
 
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Put him in a microwave until its' bill withers
 
This Rooney hating thing has gone too far. I'm outside Old Trafford and there's a guy burning small effigies of Rooney and selling them to fans. Oh, hang on...it's a baked potato stand.
 
A supporter arrived at the ground one Saturday to find the place completely empty. He went to the office and asked an official,

'What time does the match start?'

'There's no match today,' replied the official.

'But there must be!' argued the fan. 'It's Saturday.'

'I'm telling you there's no match today,' repeated the official.

'But there's always a match on Saturday afternoon,' said the fan, 'even if it's only a reserves game.'

'Watch my lips,' shouted the irate official. 'There is no M-A-T-F-C-H today!'

'Well, for your information,' the would-be spectator shouted back, 'there's no F in match.',

'That's what I've been trying to tell you!' yelled the official.
 
FAO Phil and Sparkey

A Lesbian was granted 2 wishes..

First, she asked for
bigger tits, they instantly grew to 38double D (.)(.)

Then, she asked for a really tight twat.
She'll probably ring one of you later.
 
Dilligaf said:
FAO Phil and Sparkey

A Lesbian was granted 2 wishes..

First, she asked for
bigger tits, they instantly grew to 38double D (.)(.)

Then, she asked for a really tight twat.
She'll probably ring one of you later.
Click to expand...

Must be those 3 missed calls I had earlier...
 
I hate it when people just talk about themselves I usually tell them to fcuk off and stop being so self centred.

I didn't last long at the Samaritans.
 
Guy goes to the Doctor....

Doc, " what seems to be the problem?"

Patient, " it's a bit embarrassing, Doctor"

D. " well, I've been a Doctor for 25 years. I think I've heard most things"

P. "er, actually, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"

D. " I beg your pardon, what did you say"?

P. I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse!"

D. How's that?"

P. "Don't YOU ****ing start!!!"
 
I phoned Babestation last night, the girl answered and said, "Hi, what would you like me to do for you babe?"
I said, "****ing hide I've lost the remote and the wife is coming down the stairs!"




All knicked off another not606 forum (so sue me)
 
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we
started swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When
we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear
after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.

'Oh, **** mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got
up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be ****ing Coco Pops'
 
JOB INTERVIEW

Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty.
Interviewer: Honesty? I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Applicant: I don't give a **** what you think.
 
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