Jokes to LIGHTEN the MOOD - As its the season of Cheer!

Just bought the wife's Xmas prezzies! Pair of slippers and a dildo! If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go and **** herself!



A female dwarf goes to the doctor complaining of a sore fanny! The doctor takes out a pair of scissors and starts snipping away, after a few minutes she says, "That's much better! What have you done?"

The doctor says, "I've snipped off the tops of your wellies!"

 

My wife has an Itchyfanny.

She used to ride a Suzuki before.

 

Probably already posted, but this is a good giggle: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-16185993

 

Found a DVD entitled "Bald & barely legal"

Chuffed with my find I put the disc in the player & got ready to knock one out !!

Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a department of transport DVD about tyre tread depths !!!

 

Talk about giving fancy names to illnesses! My doctor says I'm an insomniac, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it!

 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection ... but she did.

 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said “is that you or the beer talking?” I replied “ it's me talking to the beer."

 

Just done my chores for the day.

Filled me dishwasher up....or "made love" as she likes to call it!

 

I just converted my dishwasher into a snow blower.



I bought her a shovel.

 

Here in Spain, the drink drive limit is about a third of what it is in the UK, so last night after a bit of a night out at the port, few sherberts and a tasty bottle of Rioja, i noticed the Guardia were stopping most cars for breath tests, "ah ah" i thought, "leave the car here, take the bus home".
Arrived home safe and sound, amazing really, I've never driven a bus before.

 

What's the difference between Nick Clegg and Father Christmas?
Some people still believe in Father Christmas.