Off Topic jOKES TO CALM THE NERVES

Just been cruising a couple of other sites and found these, couple of funny ones that might take your mind off the game tonight for a few seconds.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuumcleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the
men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, " Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies, " Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador.
"F*ck that" says Mick - "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?",
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p*nis enlarger.
Just opened it and the smart arse sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my backside!
Do you think I should change dentists?

 

Why did the blind man fall into the well?



Because he couldnt see that well.

 

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party with a naked girl on his back.
"What the hell are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail" says the bloke.
"But you've got a naked girl on your back" says the host.
"Yeah," says the bloke, "That's Michelle!"

 

please log in to view this image

 

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

 

I hate it when a girl says the wrong name during sex.

They know my name isnt 'someone help'.

 

Why did Humpty Dumpty kick his girlfriend off the wall?
Because, he wanted to see her crack!

 

A drunk falls into the river where an evangelical pastor is baptising his flock. By chance the pastor grabs hold of the drunk and lifts his head above the water.
"Have you found Jesus?" he demands.
The drunk shakes his head so the pastor plunges him into the water again, holding him under for a few seconds before raising his head again.
"Have you found Jesus?" he demands again.
"No," the drunk splutters before his head is forced under water for a third time and held there for a full thirty seconds. Finally the pastor pulls his head above water.
"Have you found Jesus?" he demands.
"No," the drunk says, spitting mouthfuls of water. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

Words can not describe how beautiful you arr. But numbers can.


2/10.

 

Ha, some corkers in there, mate.

 

please log in to view this image

 

There was the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there is a dog

Buddist monk goes to the kebab van and says ''make me one with everything''

Would you tell me where the books about self help are, I said to the librarian. No, she replied. Why not ? Well it sort of defeats the object she said.

When Yasser Arrafat died, his body was prepared for funeral and presented to Mrs Arrafat. What's going on here she said, he's wearing a black and white stripe shirt with a big number 8 on it. This was Yasser's dying wish, she was told, to be buried in his beloved Gaza strip

 

I walked up to a bar, where some fat lass was dancing on a table.

'Good legs' i said.

'Really asked the barman.

'Aye, most tables would have collapsed by now' i replied

 

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, **** me, the pass the parcel was quick!

 

My new Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blowjob. I don’t know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport.

 

Why do Scotsmen have blue willies? Because they are tight fisted ****ers.

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mum, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

What Everton fans are saying in message boards about tonight's game -

Enjoy... Some right crackers

▪️'I think Sunderland will win and stay up. Hope the fat Spanish waiter disappears along with that club.’

▪️ 'Would love to see Rafa and the Geordies relegated, so good luck to Sunderland. Always liked Sunderland too, great fans. Don’t worry about a backlash from our lot – totally incapable of it – they don’t give a monkeys at the moment. Whether they are like the fans and want rid of Martinez or just don’t care is harder to judge. If you lot go at us physically which I would expect a Fat Sam team to do will be over by half time so get ready to party!!’

▪️'Geordies are the kopites of the north east, I hope they get attacked by wild cats infected with turbo rabies. Like Sunderland, go to a few of their games each season.’

▪️'I will laugh my only testicle off if Big Club Newcastle are relegated again.’

▪️ 'Relegating Newcastle will be the highlight of our season… genuinely hope Sunderland smash us…’

▪️ 'Rafa going down is literally the only good thing to happen in football in 2 years.’

▪️ 'This isn’t an Everton side in poor form, it’s a side that doesn’t care in playing well. We will get beat Wednesday.’

▪️' We have about as much chance of winning as we would trying to juggle soot with super glue on our hands.’

▪️ 'Everton’s players know Martinez is gone, they’re not even trying and probably can’t wait to see the back of him.

▪️ 'If Carling picked the best possible opponents for a must win match atm they would probably give you a team like Everton. Lucky Sunderland, enjoy it it’s a much a banker as you’ll ever get.

▪️ 'Great to see the barcodes relegated anyway, we wouldn’t spoil that haha.’

▪️ 'I want Everton to win, I can’t believe one or two comments saying they want us to lose to send Newcastle down.

▪️ 'Food for thought too : if indeed we lose and Newcastle go down that frees Rafa up to manage us, would you want that………Err No!’

▪️ 'I want Newcastle to go down – not really arsed between Norwich & Sunderland but I’d opt for Sunderland staying up just to annoy Newcastle fans even more.’

▪️ 'With all honesty, I see no possibility of Everton winning. If we nick a draw it would be a near miracle.’

▪️ 'I’ve never wanted Everton to lose, if we do at least I have the comfort of knowing those pricks in the stripey tops will be banished to the championship.

▪️ 'Something about that club I just cannot stand although with their relegation comes a whole heap of Rafa for Everton rumours!’

▪️ 'Don’t forget Rafa’s ‘small club’ jibe at Everton after we drew 0-0 at Anfield. There would be a certain poetic justice in that comment biting him in the arse and the ‘small club’ putting the final nail in his relegation coffin!’

▪️ 'There are 3 reasons why I wouldn’t mind us losing

▪️ 'Another nail in Roberto’s coffin

▪️ 'I have lots of mates who are Sunderland fans so I don’t want them to go down
I hate Newcastle and desperately want them to go down’

▪️ 'I can’t believe that some people want us to lose. For all the frustrations, how can fans who’ve demonstrated such commitment to the club actually want us to lose? I’m assuming it’s not meant at heart.’

▪️ 'I certainly don’t; I can understand the reasoning behind it, whether it be getting Newcastle relegated or the manager the sack, but I don’t agree with it.’

▪️ 'Hope we get beat, I despise Newcastle so win win for me here. Another defeat is another nail in soft arse’s coffin and Newcastle go down.’

▪️ Sunderland 3 Everton 0

▪️ Sunderland will be up for it, particularly after beating Chelsea. We haven’t been ‘up for it’ for some time. Even with the incentive of a cup-final at Wembley we could only ‘get up for it’ for 45 minutes. We are an extremely poor side under Martinez, all we can do is retain possession in our own half of the pitch. Once we cross the half-way line we are lost.’

 

Why can't Welsh people count sheep to help them get to sleep? Because, when they get to five, they've got to stop and have a ****.

'Why do you always burn my food?' I asked my wife for the hundredth time. 'Oh, stop ****ing moaning,' she said. 'I can't be bothered with all that cooking ****, so I wait till the smoke alarm goes off and then I know it'll be done......So, after she put the chip pan on tonight, I turned the heat on full, took the batteries out of the alarm and ****ed off down the pub for my alibi.

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"