Thank you Lord for this lovely weather.
I've seen more camel toe than an Egyptian vet.
I've seen more camel toe than an Egyptian vet.
Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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On a recent long haul flight back into the UK....
My flight was being served by an obviously gay member of the cabin crew, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat.....
Well, sweet-cheeks in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you tray-up, Bitch....
My flight was being served by an obviously gay member of the cabin crew, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat.....
Well, sweet-cheeks in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you tray-up, Bitch....
Maria was a 23 year old Mexican maid who worked for a wealthy Californian couple.
She wasn’t well paid, and one day she asked her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: Well señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase….....
The first is that I iron better than you.
Who said you iron better than me?
Your husband said so.
“Oh.”
The second reason is that I am a better cook than you........
Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?
Your husband did.
“Oh.”
My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife (really furious now): Did my husband say that as well?”
No señora, the gardener did.”
Wife: ....So… how much do you want?.....
She wasn’t well paid, and one day she asked her boss for a pay increase.
Her boss was annoyed at this and asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: Well señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase….....
The first is that I iron better than you.
Who said you iron better than me?
Your husband said so.
“Oh.”
The second reason is that I am a better cook than you........
Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?
Your husband did.
“Oh.”
My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.
Wife (really furious now): Did my husband say that as well?”
No señora, the gardener did.”
Wife: ....So… how much do you want?.....
A man walked into a supermarket with his zip down...
A female member of staff walked up to him and said, Your barracks door is open.
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, Your fly is open.
He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?
The girl thought for a moment and said:
No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags..
A female member of staff walked up to him and said, Your barracks door is open.
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, Your fly is open.
He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?
The girl thought for a moment and said:
No, no I didn't....... but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags..
