Off Topic Jokes thread

I saw this shop this morning so I decided to have a look inside.
Within seconds 2 men in dresses came up to me and asked me what I wanted.
I said ‘Do you have a copy of the book on Great Britain's policy regarding deportation of illegal immigrants?’
He said ‘**** off and get out, don’t ever come back!’
I said ‘Yeah that's the one mate. How much is it?’......
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A bit of bad news guys , not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I have only gone and bloody poisoned myself, thanks to my poor cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb.

They said I should be out early spring......