Off Topic Jokes thread
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Paddy says to Mick, "I can't remember the name of that historical Greek film that Brad Pitt was in".
"Troy" said Mick.
Paddy "I feckin' am, but I still can't remember!"
"Troy" said Mick.
Paddy "I feckin' am, but I still can't remember!"
Girl in the chippy asked if I wanted my cod battered?
I said no need, maybe a light slap and an insult should do.....
I said no need, maybe a light slap and an insult should do.....
If you are attracted to both men and women but neither of them find you attractive, I’m afraid you are..
...........................................................Bi-Yourself
...........................................................Bi-Yourself
•Liverpool Fan:
•Reporter:
•Liverpool Fan:
Biggest and best
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“We are the best, biggest and most successful club ever”•Reporter:
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“When did you last attend a match to see your team lift the title?”•Liverpool Fan:
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“35 years ago, I was 7”Biggest and best
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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet."
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f*cking bitch stole ma wallet."
I was told it's racist to call this British weather.
So, I decided to call it Muslim weather.
Partly Sunni, but mainly Shiite.......
So, I decided to call it Muslim weather.
Partly Sunni, but mainly Shiite.......
I just can't seem to get out of my 1970's Ford car.
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”I'm Cortina trap”
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