Off Topic Jokes thread

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My wife bought me a Sat Nav for Christmas. It comes with celebrity voices and is amazing.

Trouble is, Mr T won't go anywhere near the airport, Bonnie Tyler keeps telling me to turn around, Bon Jovi just constantly insists we are half way there and when I select Bono all the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
 
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess club. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped:
"They won't let me in without a bloody tie!”
 
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