Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
Don't forget; it's the AGM of the Weak Bladder Association tonight.
If you can't make it, just give us a tinkle....
If you can't make it, just give us a tinkle....
When I heard you could donate to a sperm bank by post, I came in a jiffy.....
- Rock, paper, scissors:-
- To most of us it"s a game, but to Zimbabweans it"s a wedding list.
- A Jelly baby runs into the Doctors, red faced and very out of breath.
- The Doctor says "My you look exhausted what have you been up to?"
- The Jellybaby replies "Fcuking Allsorts"
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up? God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"
- I was sat on a bus today, when this bloke said, "there"s something special between us."
- I replied, "yeah, I know, I"m his carer."
- God came down and first he went to the Germans and said "I have ten Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
- And the Germans asked "What are Commandments?"
- And the Lord said "Rules for living."
- "Can you give us an example?"
- "Thou shalt not kill."
- "Not kill? We"re not interested."
- So He went to the Italians and said "I have Commandments."
- And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shalt not steal."
- "Not steal? We"re not interested."
- He went to the French and said "I have Commandments."
- The French wanted an example and the Lord said "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife."
- "Not covet my neighbours wife? We"re not interested."
- He went to the Jews and said "I have Commandments."
- "Commandments? How much are they?"
- "They"re free."
- "Good then, we"ll take 10!"