Off Topic Jokes thread
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Unfortunately my clinically obese parrot just died.
It is, however, a great weight off my shoulders .....
It is, however, a great weight off my shoulders .....
Scientists say, that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of crap.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
What a load of crap.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stones in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
At a Glasgow Pub Quiz, the final question to win £1000 pounds is:
"Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?"
After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
"Take That's first Album had a four word title, the first two words were, "Take That, what were the second two?"
After a lengthy silence a wee Glaswegian man stands up and says.." was it.. Ya Bastard?"
A Pompey fan, an Plymouth fan and a Luton fan were all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Plymouth fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Plymouth fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Luton fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Pompey fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Pompey fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Plymouth fan to my back...!!!
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi National Holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Plymouth fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Plymouth fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.
The Luton fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Pompey fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You have some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Pompey fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie that Plymouth fan to my back...!!!
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Harrow to you too.....
I took my mother in law out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is f*cking awesome......
Being a sniper is f*cking awesome......
People often say that the fish had it easy during the biblical flood, as they didn’t need to be on an ark.
Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp
It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp
It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
I saw a dwarf using a rope to get over the prison wall yesterday.
I thought 'that's a little condescending.'
I thought 'that's a little condescending.'
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."