Off Topic Jokes thread

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
  • A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt".
  • Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.
  • The man"s birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.
  • She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.
  • He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".
  • She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass.
  • The man tells her "I can"t fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.
  • She agrees and gets it done.
  • On the man"s birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe.
  • She then stands at the top of the stairs.
  • He opens the door and she says "look honey."
  • She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F UCK IS BOB?"!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
Woman rings the local paper to ask about an obituary for her recently deceased husband. The lady on the phone says what would you like to say ?

She said "My dear loving husband of 45 years Frederick has passed away, sadly missed by his loyal loving wife Rose and the children Daisy and James".

The lady on the phone says "That’ll be £25". Rose replied "£25 ! How does that equate ?".

The lady replies "It’s a pound a word". Rose then said "Oh I see, could you change it ?“

Yes what would you like ?”

"Could you put Fred’s dead, Mondeo for sale...... “
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
I phoned my boss on his mobile number this morning, and said, "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's 5 o' clock in the morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning!"
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back