Off Topic Jokes thread

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'

I remembered where I left me hat."
 
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  • Hollywood Lessons:
  • 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  • 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
  • 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  • 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  • 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
  • 8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
  • 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
 
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