Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • A man had just got out of hospital from a sex-change operation and (s)he was talking to the people (s)he knew before (s)he became a woman.
  • "Did it hurt?" "No, not really, only the last bit."
  • "Was that when they cut it off?"
  • "No, that didn"t hurt, it was the last bit."
  • "Was that when they put the silicone bags in your chest?"
  • "No, it was just the last bit that hurt."
  • "Well what was the last bit?"
  • "You know, the bit where they take half your brains out and make your mouth bigger. That was agony!"
 
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  • Hollywood Lessons:
  • 1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • 2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
  • 3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
  • 4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
  • 5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
  • 6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • 7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
  • 8. You"re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • 9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • 10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • 11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • 12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
  • 13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they"re going to go off, but luckily you"ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
  • 14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
 
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The other day it started raining.
Between the rain clouds the sun popped its head out, creating a rainbow on the opposite side of the sky.

By chance, I happened to be very close to the rainbow, so I thought to myself...

There's a pot of gold to be found at the end of the rainbow. I'll probably never get a better chance than this to get my hands on it.


So I jumped on my moped and followed the country road towards the end of the rainbow.

Closer and closer I got before the bend in the road had me going in the wrong direction.

I stopped and leapt over the fence into the field.

By chance there was a horse in the field, so I jumped on its back and galloped toward the end of the rainbow.

I got ever closer and could see in the distance a bright shining light at the end of the rainbow.

As we jumped the hedgerow I lost my grip of the horse, which ran away, leaving me to run as fast as I could toward the end of the rainbow.

I got closer and closer. I could almost feel the pot of gold in my hands.

Then I tripped in a rut and twisted my ankle.

I dragged myself up and limped onward. Nothing was going to stop me now.

I climbed over a style, but fell on my bad ankle, landing in a bramble bush.

Scratched, bleeding and with a now totally sprained ankle I hobbled as fast as I could carry myself to the end of the rainbow.




And then I was there.

There it was, right in front of me. The end of the rainbow disappeared into a great golden pot, about 24 inches in diameter.

Gingerly I approached the pot, half expecting to be burnt or electrified should I touch it.

I touched it.

Nothing happened!

It was cold.

I looked closely and saw a lit on top of the pot.

My hand was shaking as I lifted the lid in anticipation.

Inside there was a bright light.

Through the gleam I saw a golden envelope.

I reached in, still half expecting to be struck down in the act.

I clasped my hands on the envelope and lifted it out of the pot as if it was a new born baby.

With the greatest of care I opened the envelope and retrieved a card.

My whole body was shivering now, as I knew that I was the first person in the history of man to actually reach the end of the rainbow and claim its reward.

As I stood there, the card in my hand, the pot and the rainbow faded away. They had done their job and their champion had finally arrived.

I opened the card and stared, dumb-struck at the gothic lettering before my eyes.

The ledgend on the card read.......


OTHER END!
 
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  • The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ.
  • They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
  • "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
  • Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I"ve come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard.
  • "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "DONE" says the Wizard.
  • "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I"m told by the American people that I need a heart." "I"VE HEARD IT"S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
  • There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn"t say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
  • "Is Dorothy here?"
 
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