Off Topic Jokes thread

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Justice has been served
There's been some thug called Carl going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police couldn't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all is he was breaking into people's houses just to ruin their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley because of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Carl gone...


Just heard on news there's a cure for dyslexia...
I thought that's music to my arse!
 
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It's that cold, I thought I'd check on my 80 year old next door neighbour Mike, to see if he needed anything from the shop.

He said he did, so I gave him a list of things I needed as there's no point of us both going out in the snow and getting cold.
 
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  • We went to the cinema the other night.
  • I sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier.
  • Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the centre of the row got up and started working her way out.
  • "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
  • By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "couldn"t you have done this a little earlier?"
  • "No!" she said in a loud whisper,
  • "The TURN OFF YOUR CELLPHONE, PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
 
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  • George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
  • After his talk, he offers question time.
  • One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, "What is your name?" "My name is Bob", says the boy.
  • "And what is your question, Bob?"
  • "I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
  • Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
  • Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?"
  • Just then, the bell rings for recess. George bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
  • When they resume George says, "Ok where were we? Oh, that"s right. Question time.
  • Who has a question?"A different little boy raises his hand.
  • George points him out and asked him "what is your name?" "My name is Steve" says the boy."And what is your question Steve?"
  • "I have 5 questions.
  • First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of UN?
  • Second, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes?
  • Third, what happened to Osama bin laden?
  • Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
  • Fifth, where is Bob?"
 
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