Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • An Essex girl and John are playing a game of hide and seek.
  • John counts to 100 while the Essex girl hides.
  • After about 30 seconds, John gets a text from the Essex girl saying:
  • "If you find me, you can play with my pussy and give it to me up the bum, if you can"t, I"m in the shed!"
 
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In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "**** Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
 
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  • Little Johnny asks his redneck daddy, "what"s sex?"
  • Dad figured to keep it simple and ordered ma upstairs and to strip.
  • Ma strips and lies on her back, then Pa says to Johnny, "you see that hole on your ma there? You just watch yer old daddy go!" and so he proceeds to demonstrate sex for Johnny.
  • Johnny"s watching with interest when his sister came in and asked, "Johnny, what are they doing?"
  • Johnny said, "sex."
  • She asked, "what is sex?"
  • So Johnny says, "you see that hole on Pa there?
  • Well, you just watch your old brother go!"
 
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  • A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
  • By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I"m afraid there has been a mistake.
  • You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.
  • The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I"m afraid I"ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
  • The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
  • The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
  • A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man"s table and says,
  • "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I"ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I"ll do the same to you.
  • You pull out one of its legs, I"ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I"ll break one of your arms!"
  • The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird"s rectum, pulls it out and licks it.
  • He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
 
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Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a gorgeous blonde female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once...
 
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