Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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I WAS DELIGHTED when the debt company I owe money to said they were going to send some bay leaves round to my house.
They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them.
Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Bastards!
They're absolutely my favourite herb, so I borrowed a few quid and knocked up a chicken biryani, ready to eat with them.
Imagine my shock therefore when two fat skinhead thugs in suits turned up on my doorstep and walked off with my cooker. Bastards!
After agreeing a £75m deal for Virgil Van Dijk, Liverpool now have enough loyalty points for a free Shane Long!
Whoever negotiated/extorted that 75m for Virgil Van Dijk should handle Brexit negotiations.
If you're half way through Dejan Lovren's FOURTH season at Liverpool.
Do you honestly think you would give a f*ck what Van Dijk cost?
Do you honestly think you would give a f*ck what Van Dijk cost?
When seeing figures of £75m for Virgil Van Dijk but realising once their Southampton club card points are used Liverpool will only pay £21.46.
- The other day I walked into my local chemists, and asked the manager if they sold Vaseline.
- "No, I"m afraid we"re out of stock at the moment, have you tried boots?
- "I looked at him and said "Don"t be daft, I wanna slide in, not f*cking march in!"
I went to the cemetery yesterday and laid some roses on my wifes grave.
Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.
Just the coffee flavoured ones though I like all the others.
- I wonder if the person who invented vibrators was ever inspired by ghostly voices chanting
- "If you build it.. they will come."
- Did you hear about the pikey who won the lottery?
- Apparently they"re going to pay him with Travellers Cheques...
- Real 911 Calls.
- Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?Caller: I"m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn"t have an eleven on it.
- Dispatcher: This is nine eleven
- .Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
- Dispatcher: Yes, ma"am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
- Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I"m not stupid.*********************************************
- And the winner is..........Dispatcher: 9-1-1
- Caller: Yeah, I"m having trouble breathing I"m all out of breath. Darn....I think I"m going to pass out
- Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
- Caller: I"m at a pay phone North and Foster.
- Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
- Caller: No
- Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
- Caller: Running from the Police