Off Topic Jokes thread
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Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
A redneck died and left his entire estate to his widow.
Trouble is, she can"t touch it "til she turns 14.
Trouble is, she can"t touch it "til she turns 14.
What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?
"Don"t touch my f*cking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
"Don"t touch my f*cking Easter eggs, I"ll be back on Monday."
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Oxford Street and says, "I haven"t eaten anything in four days."
She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
She looks at him and says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
I bet you know someone like this:
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant!!
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she"d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant!!
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband"s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn"t you? I hope you"re proud of yourself! While you were out enjoying yourself for the past four hours in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit..........It"s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be probably be the last shopping trip you ever take ! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. ........... and you"ll now be his carer !"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I"m just pulling your leg. He"s dead. What did you buy?"