Off Topic Jokes thread
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The new Dr Who is starting with a 2 hour long special, it'll take her that long to park the f*cking Tardis!
I pulled a girl at a nightclub and she took me back to her place.
I was really drunk but I still managed to shag her.
While we were shagging I said to her, "you"ve got no tits but your fanny is so tight."
She said, "get off of my f*cking back."
I was really drunk but I still managed to shag her.
While we were shagging I said to her, "you"ve got no tits but your fanny is so tight."
She said, "get off of my f*cking back."
My mate in the pub had a DIY breathalyser:
it was a bag that told him when he"d had too much to drink.
I have no need for it though, I married one.
it was a bag that told him when he"d had too much to drink.
I have no need for it though, I married one.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he"d just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he"s walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O"Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O"Conner," says Sean, "He couldn"t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin" he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, "Didn"t you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O"Conner"s twat, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a f*cking fight."
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he"s walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O"Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O"Conner," says Sean, "He couldn"t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin" he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, "Didn"t you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O"Conner"s twat, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a f*cking fight."
I'm not saying my wife's fat or anything, but the longest diet she's ever been on was 15 minutes when she walked up the chippy.
I was driving through Wales with a friend of mine who is dyslexic.
He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted...."**** me, I'm cured."
He was studying the road signs when all of a sudden he shouted...."**** me, I'm cured."
HELP. . . do you know how to cancel an eBay bid?
I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club!
I made an offer for a mickey mouse outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Liverpool football club!