Off Topic Jokes thread

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A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in February, and left me £10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in March," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £50,000."

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months!? I'm so sorry!"

"Then this month..." continued the guy "Nothing....... Not a single penny!"
 
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Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
 
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A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the fullhouse and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky?! I've got Yellow 24!’

'F **ck me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
 
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I was in the supermarket the other day and there was a girl in front of me at the checkout, she had one apple, one pear, one toothbrush, one ready meal and one tin of soup.
I leaned over and said, "you"re single, aren"t you?"
"How can you tell?" she said, in a sarcastic tone.
I said, "because you"re an ugly twat!"
 
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Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at Heritage Point Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
 
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This is something that happened at an assisted living centre.


The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a

central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for

breakfast so an assistant went upstairs and knocked on his door to see

if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said

that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to

the dining area.


An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his

room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but

was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and

seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she

was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his

breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he

had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was

completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an

ambulance for him.


A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in

one leg of his boxer shorts.


This should be sent to children so that they don’t sell the house before

they know the facts.
 
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A guy goes into a chemist to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don"t know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I"ve never done this before. I don"t know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him, and then yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"
 
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