Off Topic Jokes thread

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A little lad in a London primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class.
The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?"
The little lad replies, "they like to watch Tottenham Hotspur, miss.
"Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute"
A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to.
He replies, "they are watching Arsenal, miss."
The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Spurs fans?"
"They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"

This joke has nothing to do at all with the fact we got pumped 4-1 the other day<wah>:steam::emoticon-0173-middl<yikes>
 
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When Dave first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Dave became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Dave's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

How long will Dave be on crutches? asked his wife anxiously. Crutches? Why would he need crutches? responded the surprised doctor.

Well, said the wife you are planning on lengthening his legs, aren't you?
 
Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part, 'St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes........we could have been here ten years ago!'
 
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Ferrari"s Formula 1 team manager decided to employ some Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew.
This was because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly.
At the first practice session, not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged & sold the fcuker to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed & some pictures of David Coulthard"s bird getting shagged up the asre.
 
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Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
"You know I don"t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we"ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you"re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say "WHO"S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she"s sound asleep! Works every time!"
 
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Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks.
If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."
"If this doesn"t work, beat the shark with your stump."
 
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A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt"
But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."
 
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I pulled a Gypsy Girl last night.

She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time.

She wasn't ****ing kidding either, I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers, Ghost Train and I actually came home with a ****ing Goldfish...
 
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A guy has a bad cycling accident that results in him losing his penis, after finally being released from hospital and deciding that he badly missed his old friend he decided to go and see a consultant surgeon who specializes in gender adjustment.
The surgeon looked at him and said, “wow! the damage here is pretty bad I’m not sure that we can do the normal procedure”
When the man started to cry uncontrollably the surgeon said “Wait my friend there is possibly something we can do, I have been experimenting with a new procedure of grafting parts from different animals on to humans and I think I can do something for you”
The man says “I’ll try anything Doc, my wife is threatening me with divorce.
The Surgeon says “Ok, for this procedure we will initially try to graft a baby elephant’s trunk in place of your penis, it won’t look too odd and in this case it is not too big, maybe 15 inches.”
The man agrees to give it a try and undergoes the procedure, 2 months after the operation he returns to the surgery for a check-up and the surgeon asks him how things have been.
The man says “Well I can tell you that the wife loves it, it works wonderfully well, I can pass urine and it is really sensitive on the tip if you know what I mean”
“Great” said the surgeon, “is there nothing negative?”
“Well, just one thing doc, every time I go to the bakery it tries to shove buns up my arse”
 
THE PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE:

I here by request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. P. Niss.

Response:

After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons:
You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

Yours sincerely,
Ms. V. Gina
 
A man went fishing and hadn"t caught a thing in four hours, when all of a sudden the local vicar turned up and cast his rod into the stream and within half an hour his keep net was full!
The man is getting quite pissed off at this so decides to ask the vicar how he does it.
The vicar kindly tells him "Well my son, go home tonight and rub your hand between your wifes legs, and then rub it in with all your worms and the smell will attract the fish!".
The man thinks this is a good idea so he goes home and sees the wife standing by the stove cooking dinner, he goes up to her, sticks his hand up her skirt and starts rubbing away.
The wife giggles and says "Oh hello vicar, off fishing again?"
 
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says. "I"m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?"
""But why?" asks the man."I"m a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 
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