Off Topic Jokes thread

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A friend of mine was very depressed, he owed 500 pounds to a shark and his family were going to be kicked out on the street the following day.
He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there, his head resting on the steering wheel.
All the nice people there had a whip-round and they got him his 500 pound!!.....
Good thing his bus was full that day!!!
 
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We're so skint at the moment that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys just to pay for Christmas this year.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports.
 
Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, .... "What kind of beer 'ya got?
 
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An Essex guy and an Essex girl are making out in his car when the girl says,
"Put your finger inside of me!"
He is only too willing to oblige.
"Put another finger inside of me!"
So he does."Put your whole hand inside of me!" she says, moaning in pleasure.
"Now put both hands inside of me!" she screams.
"Now clap!" she gasps."I can"t clap!" replied the guy.
"Tight, aren"t I?" she smiles.
 
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Somebody broke into my house last night and helped themselves to my traditional festive German bread containing dried fruit and dusted with powdered sugar.

Police believe it may have been stollen to order.
 
A Travellers wedding ends in a riot, the police arrest 20 for affray.
The next day in court the judge asks the best man his version of events.......
Judge: So then , please tell me your side of the story
.BM: well your honour, it is travellers tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance with the bride, which i did.......
ok i admit i was dancing very close to her but then suddenly out of knowwhere the groom runs at us and kicks his bride in the pussy
Judge: Gosh says the judge that must of hurt..
BM: Hurt.... he broke 3 of my fingers !
 
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Things you can only say at Christmas:

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in.
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.
 
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3 men die on Christmas eve.
To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something that represents Christmas"
The English man flicks on his lighter and says "Its a candle"
St Peter lets him pass.
The Welshman takes out his keys and jingles them and says "Christmas bells".
St Peter lets him pass.
The Irishman takes out his 10" cock.
St Peter says "How does that represent Christmas"
Mick replies "Its a ****in cracker isn't it"
 
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God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND GIVE HER A KISS"
Adam asked "Lord, what's a kiss?"
God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden.

10 minutes later he returned and said "Thankyou Lord, that was good"

Next day God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN FOR A GOOD FUMBLE"
Adam asked "Lord, what's a fumble?"
God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden.

20 minutes later he returned and said "Thankyou Lord, that was good"

Next day God called out - "ADAM - ADAM. I WANT YOU TO TAKE EVE INTO THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND PROCREATE WITH HER"
Adam asked "Lord, what's Procreate?"
God explained and Adam took Eve into the Garden of Eden.

30 seconds later he returned and said "Lord, what's a headache?"
 
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Dear Santa,
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How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
*Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus
***
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
 
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