Off Topic Jokes thread

I got home from the beach and ate 10 yoghurts.

I’m absolutely Mullered now!

 

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My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through.
She was horrified.
"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth, isn't that right, nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

 

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A man was in a queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realised that he'd forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought that this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the checkout, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy, who thought that what he had seen was so cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, and he thought "this is my chance."
When he got to the checkout he told the girl that he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."