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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
    It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
    The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
    The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
    The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
     
    #19601
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

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  5. antipodean exile

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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. antipodean exile

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  8. antipodean exile

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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    LEVEL's Nightclubs annual classiest woman contest got off to a rip roaring start last night after Bianca and Chardany, both mothers of seven, got into a no holds barred bitch fight over Wayne, a 22 year old Kappa tracksuit wearing,Vauxhall Astra driving, absolute tosspot, cocaine dealer from Toxteth.
    Wayne, who wears a fake Rolex, can barely put a sentence together and is one faulty brake light away from doing a 4 stretch said “tell you Bruv, dem bitches went strong, I been on dese roads since I was a younger and it was jokes how dey went at it fam”
    A translator from Liverpool City Councils Jamaican mild-slang department was not available to explain what the **** the jumped up little gutter rat was saying, so we are none the wiser.
    Both women were treated at the scene for loss of hair extensions, false eyelashes and Bianca was treated for shock after losing the badge off her Michael Kors bag.
    Toxteth News has learnt that the two women have been charged with possession of offensive make-up and wearing ludicrous platforms with intent to endanger life.
    The competition continues tonight.
     
    #19610
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  11. antipodean exile

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  12. antipodean exile

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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts:-

    Dear Phil
    I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
    I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter..
    They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
    Can you help me I'm desperate.

    Dear Reader
    The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
    Phil.
     
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  14. Wooperts_duck

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  15. Wooperts_duck

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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was telling my mate that when me and the Mrs have an argument she starts getting historical.

    He replied "dont you mean hysterical? "

    I said "no historical, she starts bringing up the past!"
     
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  17. Wooperts_duck

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  18. Wooperts_duck

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  19. Wooperts_duck

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  20. antipodean exile

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