My mates been fined a total of £1200 for stealing from a sofa retail chain But the Judge said he's got nothing to pay until 2023.....
Keir Starmer walks into a bank: "Good morning could you please cash this cheque for me?” Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?" Keir: "I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I'm Keir Starmer The Labour leader.” Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are Sir but with all the bank regulations, monitoring, impostors and forgers etc. I must insist on seeing some identification.” Keir: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!" Cashier: "I'm sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.” Keir: "I'm urging you, please cash this cheque for me.” Cashier: "Look Sir this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.” Kier starts to think and think and finally says, "To be honest, there is nothing that comes into my mind. In fact I can't think of a single thing that I'm any good at." Cashier: "Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Starmer?”
I went on a first aid course this morning. They asked what would you do if your child swallowed your front door key? Climb in through the window wasn’t the correct answer apparently
Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street... For fuc*s sake, where do these people get off?
