After landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be bloody stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone bonked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda." My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"? He replies, "Yes caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before." "Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday." The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know." "What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
I keep switching the wrappers on my wifes chocolate bars just to wind her up. She hates getting her snickers in a twix....
