Off Topic Jokes thread

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News just in that top jockey Frankie Dettori was rushed to hospital after being kicked by his horse.

Staff report that he is in a stable condition.

 

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So I went to the shops today. Not Impressed!
Boots had no Boots, Selfridges had no Fridges, No Curry in Currys and Virgin Mega Store was a massive dissapointment!

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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”
You’re gonna hate me for this…
Hold on to your seat…
The third piggy says—
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.’”

 

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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence” says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence…I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” said the farmer. “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different cock,” he replied.
The woman smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!”