please log in to view this image A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," Says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," Replies the barman. "The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... "What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"
If men were agony aunts ................. Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you. Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure, then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too} Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or get your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish. Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one. A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
Just paid 20 pounds for a 2 mile taxi ride to the launderette. Feels like I've been taken to the cleaners.
Bloke: "What do you do for a living?" Me: "I'm a spy." Bloke: "Why are you dressed as a shepherd?" Me: "I'm a shepherd spy."
