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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."
     
    #121
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 3, 2015
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Channel 4 usually excels with bringing us long running series.

    But 'Educating Yorkshire' is taking the piss.
     
    #122
    antipodean exile, Mar 4, 2015
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

    Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?
     
    #123
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 4, 2015
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A large hole has appeared off the eastbound carriageway of the M62 in Yorkshire.

    It's a bog hole called Bradford.
     
    #124
    antipodean exile, Mar 5, 2015
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Following graffiti spotted on the wall of a public convenience in London:-

    HERE I SIT, BROKEN HEARTED

    PAID A PENNY, AND ONLY FARTED !

    Honest !
     
    #125
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 5, 2015
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says "Jeesus Paddy, what ya doing?"

    Paddy says "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter...
     
    #126
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 5, 2015
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
     
    #127
    antipodean exile, Mar 5, 2015
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"
    The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
    If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
    Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
    The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".
    The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
    The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store"...
     
    #128
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 5, 2015
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I've just bought some of that L'Oreal Yorkshire shampoo.

    It's made with Eyup Vera.

    Cos tha's worth it.
     
    #129
    antipodean exile, Mar 5, 2015
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Ay up stop reet there nah cocker afore I exterminate thee.

    Bugger me. I've been threatened by a Yorkshire Dalek
     
    #130
    antipodean exile, Mar 6, 2015
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth, and you will receive Eternal Life"

    But John came fifth, and won a toaster....
     
    #131
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 6, 2015
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Broadband from Yorkshire

    Does that mean its difficult to understand, and boring and slow?
     
    #132
    antipodean exile, Mar 6, 2015
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands.

    Police said he topped himself........
     
    #133
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 7, 2015
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
     
    #134
    antipodean exile, Mar 7, 2015
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Leaving Work Early
    Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
    Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
    After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

    The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

    The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
    Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
    Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

    The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

    No way! The blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
     
    #135
    antipodean exile, Mar 7, 2015
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”The little girl replies, “Well, mummy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

    The little girl replies, “Because mummy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
     
    #136
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 7, 2015
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
     
    #137
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 7, 2015
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
    They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
    Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
    Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
    I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
    That was when the trouble started…!
     
    #138
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 7, 2015
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
    Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy' ...
    Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off ...
    He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
    'Shoite, Shoite !'
    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
    He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.
    'Bi'Jesus.... I'm pissed,' he says.
    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside ...
    He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
    He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'buggar it' and falls into bed.
    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into his room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
    Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was furkin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
    ’Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
     
    #139
    antipodean exile, Mar 7, 2015
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks. She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
     
    #140
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 7, 2015
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