A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "one nil" His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "equaliser one all" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Goal 2-1" Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "two all" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Penalty I lead 3-2 Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he shi*ts the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."
I waved at a girl because I thought she waved at me. Turns out she was waving to another guy. So to get out of the situation I kept my hand in the air and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I’m now in Prague starting a new life.
At the doctors, He told me I'd got Hermes. I said, "Don't you mean Herpes?" He said, "No, you're a carrier."
