A politician visited a village and asked the villagers what their needs were. “We have two basic needs honourable Sir”, replied the village leader. “Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”. On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone. After speaking for a while he told them that there’d be a doctor there tomorrow and asked for the second problem. “…secondly Sir, there is no mobile phone coverage anywhere in this village”
What it's like to be British • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare” • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right” • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right” • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house” • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
EuroMillions head office have suggested that I take £8.4 million a year for 10 years rather than the full £84 million that I won, all in one go! So, I told them that if they're going to mess me about, I'll have my £2.50 back.
