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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
    A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
     
    #101
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground

    laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
     
    #102
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
    The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
     
    #103
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
     
    #104
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's and his little face lit up when he tried to walk.

    Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
     
    #105
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
     
    #106
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

    I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
     
    #107
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.

    All I did was say, 'Hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'
     
    #109
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
    "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
    The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
    "That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
    "Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head...
     
    #110
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'

    Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
     
    #111
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

    I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
     
    #113
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Looks as if Adam Johnson's career is now back where it began.

    Scoring in the local under 15's.
     
    #114
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
    Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
    "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
    "Why did you leave Cardiff?" the manager asked.
    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
    "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
     
    #115
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
    The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
    He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
     
    #116
  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I asked a West Yorkshireman how he felt about Bradford's Asian community.

    "Am sayin nowt. I were orless against t'urban development."
     
    #117
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
    He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
    A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
    Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
    The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
    A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
    Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
    The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
    The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
    So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
    A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
    Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
    We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
     
    #118
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Mama Mia - classic Abba song or Yorkshire kid telling his Mother he's arrived?
     
    #119
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
    "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
    The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
    "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
    On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

    "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
    The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
     
    #120
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