The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo. But I still can't find the f**king dog!
Saw my mate today. He's only got one arm. "Where you off to?" I shouted. "Change a light bulb," he said. "That will be hard won't it?" I asked. "Why?" he said. "I've still got the receipt!"
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!" It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?" I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she’s an optician!"
