A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you." "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour." "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky." "No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs. "The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say: "That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?" "Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"
A guy walks into the most posh restaurant in town. "Where's the god damn, mother f*cking manager you cock sucking arse wipe" he politely inquires to one of the waiters. The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can". The manager comes over and the bloke asks "Are you the chicken f*cking, manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am" replies the manager "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant". "F*ck off" replies the bloke "and where's the f*cking piano?" "Pardon says the manager". "F*cking deaf as well are we you little piece of snivelling ****, show us your pissing piano!" "Ahhhh replies the manager you've come about the pianist job" and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?" "Of course I can!" And the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's superb, what's it called?" "I want to f*ck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me knob" replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds in playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Magnificent" cries the manager "what's it called?" "I wanted a w*nk over the washing machine but me balls got caught in the soap drawer". The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called" asks the manager. "As I f*ck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece" replies the bloke. The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night sitting opposite him is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin... It's all a bit too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the managers voice "Where's that bloody pianist?". He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde gets up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear. "Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?" The bloke replies........ "Know it, Know it?..... I f*cking wrote it!!"
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor. Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?' Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?' 'Now wot da fock would you say..?'
