Off Topic Jokes thread

HOW TO DISPENSE A PILL TO YOUR PET CAT

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.

As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Royal Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.
Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil-wrap.
Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Force cat’s mouth open with small wrench.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to accident and emergency of the local hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

• Murphy: "You"ve a nice couple of goldfish there Paddy. What are their names?"
• Paddy: "I"ve called them, One and Two".
• Murphy: "Why is that then Paddy?"
• Paddy: ""Coz if One dies, I"ve still got Two".

 

• There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently.
• A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

 

• A man was shopping in the men"s department at Harrods when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
• He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
• She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"
• The man said, "I"d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight.
• Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that.
• Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
• When I get to your sweet pussy, I"d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly...
• What I ""need"" is a new tie!"

 

• Paul McCartney has bought his wife a plane for Christmas.
• But she"ll still use a razor on the other leg.