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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10541
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10542
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I had an interview for a yoga teacher position. I had to bend over backwards to get it.
     
    #10543
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • What do you show to a woman who has been driving accident-free for 10 years?..
    • Second gear.
     
    #10544
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Dear Sir
    • Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I"d used for years without any trouble.
    • However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
    • To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.
    • Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.
    • A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
    • Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
    • Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.
    • Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run.
    • For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0"s memory and could not be deleted.
    • They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
    • Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!
    • These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself
    • .Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
    • Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.
    • When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.
    • Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can"t be turned off.
    • Recently I"ve attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems.
    • A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.Any ideas?
     
    #10545
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10554
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    If you leave a child in your car during this hot Glasgow weather please ensure a window is open so they can at least have a ***
     
    #10555
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10556
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10557
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    These Government cut backs to our armed forces - are really taking the piss now.......

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    #10558
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10559
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #10560

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