Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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I bet those big hairy arsed rapists in prison can't wait for Ant MacPartlin to arrive.
They haven't had Newcastle Brown for years........
They haven't had Newcastle Brown for years........
- Man hires Chinese P.I.... Chan Lee, to watch to see if his wife is being unfaithful...!
- 2 days later, he gets a report:
- Most Honourable sir.
- I watch house.
- You leave house.
- He came to house.
- He and She leave house.
- I follow.
- He and she go hotel
- I climb tree and look in window.
- He kiss she.
- She kiss he.
- He strip.
- She strip.
- He play with she.
- She play with he
- I play with me.
- I fallout tree.
- I not see.
- No fee.
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- How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One, but it takes a whole emergency room to screw it back out!
- Christianity:
- The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live for ever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
- Makes perfect sense really.
During my physical examination, my Doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all, I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the Doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man !! A real Commando !!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer !!"
I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all, I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the Doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man !! A real Commando !!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a crap golfer !!"
Bit pissed off.........
My sandpaper business lost its contract with the Australian cricket team.
My sandpaper business lost its contract with the Australian cricket team.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.
Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.
Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.