Off Topic Jokes thread

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The Fifth Parrot

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeansand boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon.
Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis.

Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
 
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  • A girl goes into the doctor"s for a checkup.
  • As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
  • "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
  • "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he"s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we bonk," she replies.
  • A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
  • As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
  • "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
  • "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he"s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we shag," she replies.
  • A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup.
  • As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.
  • "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
  • "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why?"
 
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  • There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
  • There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
  • They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
  • After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.
  • She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
  • It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it"s inevitable course.
  • Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
  • So...They buried her.