Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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My wife called and said "I want to find you naked when I get home from work"
I'll be honest, I feel a bit awkward sat here with her mother.....
I'll be honest, I feel a bit awkward sat here with her mother.....
A fella stopped me in the town this morning wanting to put an end to ivory hunting.
I said to him “I have no opinion on it” and tried to walk away.
He then asked, “But would you endorse it??”
I said, “They don’t have elephants in Dorset!!”
I said to him “I have no opinion on it” and tried to walk away.
He then asked, “But would you endorse it??”
I said, “They don’t have elephants in Dorset!!”
My girlfriend has left me because she says I'm so old fashioned.
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel....
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel....
I now identify as both an apple and a pear.
Yes, I’m non-bananary.....
Yes, I’m non-bananary.....
I asked singer Elkie Brooks if I could guess the name of her dog.
She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"
She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"
My wife is leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with supermarkets.
I asked if she wanted any help packing her bags......
I asked if she wanted any help packing her bags......
Jurgen Kloop wanted to say goodbye personally to every Liverpool Fan with a Merseyside postcode............
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Sir Tom Jones is still reeling that his reworking of Delilah wasn't chosen to represent The UK in The Eurocrud Freak Contest.
His refusal to wear a Rainbow coloured Tutu, Pink wellies and have a Daffodil stuck up his backside, was thought to be the main reason he wasn't considered!
But I suppose that these days....it's not unusual!
His refusal to wear a Rainbow coloured Tutu, Pink wellies and have a Daffodil stuck up his backside, was thought to be the main reason he wasn't considered!
But I suppose that these days....it's not unusual!
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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!