After almost 5 years of regular hospital visits, tests, ****ing into test-tubes etc, my wife and I are no nearer to having a child. So we have decided that we've had enough of all this and we are going to take drastic measures. I'm just going to have to f*ck her.
A recent survey asked women how they felt about their men wearing condoms. 85% answered, "depends on what"s in it for me."
Steve Davis (of snooker fame) pulls a delightful groupie after a tournament and ends up in his hotel room after several drinks... Desperate to get on with shagging her idol, she strips off and gets on all fours presenting her arse in the air... Our Steve, not a man to rush... drops his trousers and starts staring at the girls arse, moving from side to side and raising and lowering his head... "Are you going to f*ck me?" shouts the girl.... "Yes, but I don"t know if I should go for the easy pink or the tight brown!!"
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
My neighbours keep banging on our wall whilst I'm trying to listen to my music. "A little respect please!" They shouted. I'm not a big Erasure fan but ok this one's for you!
I'm sure there's a bouncy castle inside our local mosque, everytime I go past there's always a load of shoes outside.
I went round to Paddy's house yesterday. I looked up and said, "You've got a high ceiling." He replied, "Yes, the wife wanted two rooms knocked into one!"
My Dad said to me, "If you really want something in life, you've got to get out there and grab it with both hands." So I did. Now the barmaid with the big tits at the 'Rose and Crown' has reported me to the police.
What's the difference between a tramp and an MP? One sits about on a bench all day, usually falling asleep, enjoys long liquid lunches and contributes nothing to society. The other's a tramp.
Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" He asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're **** and we can't be bothered". Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows "Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0 He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on. "Result from Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes) They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down" "Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
