Off Topic Jokes thread

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I went to see my doctor this morning.
"How can I help you?" she asked.
"I found a lump while I was in the bath," I replied, pointing downwards.
"Oh right," she said, "Take your trousers down for me."
After having a good old feel of my bollocks for a few minutes, she said, "I can't feel a lump."
I said, "It's on my toe."
 
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An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ****!
The light goes on.
When I'm done, ****!
The light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the
Doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and ****!
The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, ****!
The light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims.
'He's pissing in the fridge again!
 
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