I bet you don't know what day this is, said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: “Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?” With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered from what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: “First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!” she exclaimed, “I can't believe you are so happy my mother is coming today"
I was checking out at tesco this morning when I noticed the man in front of me put one thing on the conveyer belt... A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages".....
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery. "Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?" "I'd rather not say who it was." "Was it with Betty Smith?" "I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution. "Yes, and two very good leads!"
