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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Well that escalated quickly.....

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    #25681
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went for a job interview to be an ice cream man.

    Didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.....
     
    #25687
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25688
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just bought a sweet car online.

    Previously owned by Neil Diamond.....
     
    #25689
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
    This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
    I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
    Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
    Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
    Again, all was quiet.
    And then comes the blonde moment.
    Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
    Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
    I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
     
    #25690
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.
    The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
    Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
    Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
    The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart."
    Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
    Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
    1. Who the hell is this?
    2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
    3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
    4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
    5. I don't understand what you mean.
    6. What the hell did you do now?
    7. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.
    8. Am I dreaming?
    9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
    10. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
    11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
     
    #25694
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  16. antipodean exile

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  17. antipodean exile

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  18. antipodean exile

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  19. antipodean exile

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  20. Wooperts_duck

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