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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25141
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple driving home run over a badger.

    They get out and find that it's still breathing, but freezing cold and barely alive.

    He says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."

    She says, "It's all wet and it stinks, though."

    He says, "Well hold its ****ing nose, then !"
     
    #25142
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The wife leans over to me today, and says “ my nipples are as hot today as they were fifty years ago”.

    I said "they ought to be, ones in your coffee, and the others in your porridge".
     
    #25143
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What do you call a South Korean meal, in a paper cup, with no dogmeat in it ...

    ... Not Poodle
     
    #25144
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25145
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  6. antipodean exile

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    #25146
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  7. antipodean exile

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    #25147
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  8. antipodean exile

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    #25148
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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

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  11. antipodean exile

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    #25151
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  12. antipodean exile

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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two Aussie builders (Keith & Ken) are seated either side of a table in
    a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
    Ken: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    Keith: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
    Ken: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
    Ken: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
    Ken: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
    Ken: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
    pond. Which is it?
    Ken: - It's in a pond!
    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
    Ken - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
    Ken: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
    Ken: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
    Ken:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
    Ken: - Me? Never.
    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
    Ken: - How's that then?
    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
    Ken: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
    Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.
    Keith: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
    Ken - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
    Keith: - What's that then?
    Ken: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
    Keith: - Nope.
    Ken: - Well then, you're a ****er.
     
    #25153
  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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    Her Diary:
    Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
    We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
    Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk .
    He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong.
    He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
    He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
    On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
    When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
    He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
    Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
    About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
    To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
    But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
    He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do.
    I' m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
    My life is a disaster.
    His Diary:

    My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid
     
    #25155
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    WARNING
    Some shops are reported to be selling counterfeit Mr Kipling mince pies..

    .
    ...Apparently they're exceedingly good fakes
     
    #25157
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I quit playing in a reggae band today.

    I played the triangle and it was just one ting after another....
     
    #25158
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I got eczema, diarrhoea, gonorrhoea and haemorrhoids last week.

    First time I've ever won a game of Scrabble.
     
    #25159
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  20. antipodean exile

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