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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
    Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone”.
    Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist, and demand an apology.
    Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
    "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
    This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
    I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys".
    "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
    Later, when I was about two miles from the store, I had a flat tyre".
    "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.
    I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing".
    He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
    I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.
    When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
    Half of them hit the floor and broke".
    "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
    It was your wife.
    She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer”.
    "And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her”
     
    #25021
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25022
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25023
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25024
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25025
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25026
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25027
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25028
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25029
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25030
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter, who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
     
    #25031
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25032
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25033
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25034
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #25035
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I know Henry VIII had 6 wives -
    There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but, for the life of me, I can’t remember the surname of the one called Jane....
    See more
     
    #25036
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25037
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25038
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #25039
  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
    So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
    Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
    When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
    He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
    He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
    Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
    'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
    It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
    'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep,
    'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'
    Have a nice day.
     
    #25040
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