Off Topic Jokes thread

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Moscow man buys newspaper, glances at front page, throws it straight out.
Next day and day after, same.
Eventually, seller snaps: ‘Why DO you do that?’
‘I’m just checking for an obituary.’
‘But obituaries aren’t on the front page.’
‘The one I’m looking for will be.

 

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife!!..

 

One day a perfect man and a perfect woman went out on a date. They had planned a perfect evening.
They wore their perfect clothes and drove a perfect car, and after a while they passed a stranger in distress.
The stranger turned out to be Santa Claus, stranded with a bag of toys. They offered him a lift and started driving again.
Soon the weather got bad, driving conditions got nasty, and they had a bad accident. Only one of them survived.
Who was it?
It was the perfect woman. Everybody knows that Santa Claus and a perfect man are just imaginary creations that don’t exit.
(Women, stop reading now. Men, keep reading.)
If the perfect man and Santa Claus don’t exist, then the woman must have been driving. This explains the accident.
(Men, keep reading.)
If you’re a woman and still reading this, it only proves another point: Women never listen!

 

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