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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
    His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
    When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
    The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
    The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
    Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
    The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
    The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
    The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
    Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
    The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
    The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"
     
    #24388
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Two guys met up in a bar one evening. They hadn't seen each other for some time. After they'd finished the first drink, one of them said, “I'll get the next one in.” He went up to the bar and the barmaid – a rather buxom young lady – was serving another customer. The guy couldn't help staring at her tits. After a couple of minutes the barmaid came over to him and said, “What can I get you, sir?” The guy said, “I'd like two pints of tits, please...oh, I'm sorry – I meant two pints of TENNENTS!...sorry!” The barmaid never blinked an eye, brought over the drinks and took the money. The guy went and sat down at the table with the drinks. His mate looked at him and said, “You look a bit flushed – are you feeling all right?” The guy said, “A bit flushed? ****, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life. See the barmaid? - she has a great pair of knockers and when she asked me what I wanted to drink, I accidentally asked her for two pints of tits instead of two pints of Tennents.” His mate replied, “Aw ****, I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was sitting having breakfast with my wife. I meant to ask her to pass me the sugar but I ended up saying, “You've made my life a misery, you fat, ugly bastard!”
     
    #24389
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  10. antipodean exile

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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
    He answered, "That's okay."
    "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out Goodbye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his shopping.
    "That comes to £121.85," said the assistant.
    "How come so much? I only bought 3 items!"
    The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
     
    #24392
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #24394
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  15. Wooperts_duck

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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Things a person searches for most in middle age:

    6% the meaning of life.
    6% love.
    6% security.
    2% spiritual enlightenment.
    80% car keys.
     
    #24396
  17. antipodean exile

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    #24397
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  18. antipodean exile

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  19. antipodean exile

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  20. antipodean exile

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