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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #24201
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  2. Wooperts_duck

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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
    'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
    'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
    They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
    He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north
    about 9 months ago?'
    'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.
    'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
    'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
    'I have to admit that I did.'
    'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
    Bob's face turned beet red and he said,' Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
    'She just died and left me everything.'
     
    #24204
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  6. Wooperts_duck

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  7. Wooperts_duck

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  8. Wooperts_duck

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  9. Wooperts_duck

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  10. Wooperts_duck

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  11. Wooperts_duck

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    A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
    Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
    'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
    'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
    'Very good,' said the teacher.
    Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
    'That was a fine story Sarah.'
    Michael, do you have a story to share?'
    'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Barbara. Aunty Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
    She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
    She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
    She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
    ran out of bullets.
    Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
    And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
    'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
    'Stay away from Aunty Barbara when she's had a Drink...........
     
    #24211
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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  13. Wooperts_duck

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  14. Wooperts_duck

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    #24214
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  15. Wooperts_duck

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  16. Wooperts_duck

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    An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
    She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
    Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
    Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
    Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
    Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
    "Where are you going ?" she asked.
    "To get my teeth!"
     
    #24216
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  17. Wooperts_duck

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  18. antipodean exile

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    Can't open the IMG's - my brother in law's computer circa 1990...............
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    #24218
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  19. antipodean exile

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  20. antipodean exile

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