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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23901
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23902
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23903
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23904
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23905
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23906
    antipodean exile, Jul 5, 2022
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23907
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23908
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23909
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23910
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23911
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's fridge.
    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
    Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Dublin, please raise your hand?"
    Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and enjoyed them.

    Two lessons here:
    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
     
    #23912
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23913
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23914
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 5, 2022
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    “MUM! IM GOING OUT!”
    “YOUR NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE UNTIL YOU CHANGE THAT MINISKIRT!”
    “WHY”
    “BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOUR BALLS RICHARD”
     
    #23915
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23916
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
    So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...
    Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
    Well, Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
    "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
    "Repaint! Repaint! ...and thin no more!”
     
    #23917
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23918
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23919
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23920
    antipodean exile, Jul 6, 2022
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