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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A nun teaching in Sunday School asked her class, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
    Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
    “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” asked the nun.
    “Because, when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
    “What a wonderful answer!” said the nun.
    Little Johnny then raised his hand and said, “I think it’s your feet.”
    The nun looked at him with a puzzled expression.
    “Why do you think it would be your feet, Little Johnny?”
    “Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night and Mummy had her legs in the air, crying out ‘Oh God! I’m coming!’
    If Daddy hadn’t been on top of her, pinning her down, we’d have lost her.”
     
    #23861
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    One day at Kindergarten, the teacher said to her class of 5 year olds,
    "I'll give $10 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man that ever lived."
    A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, "I know. It was St. Patrick."
    The teacher replied, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
    A little Scottish boy raised his hand and said, "it was St. Andrew."
    "I am sorry Ian, that is not correct either."
    Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
    "That's absolutely right Marvin. Come up here and I will give you the $10."
    As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said to him,
    "You know Marvin, since you are Jewish, I was very surprised you said 'Jesus Christ'."
    Taking the $10 and stuffing it in his pocket, Marvin replied,
    "Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business."
     
    #23864
  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
    The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
    At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach.”The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
    Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
    As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?""I didn't have to.
    You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
    That was what probably was making her sick."
    The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
    She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
    "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
    As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
    "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
     
    #23865
  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A professor sits with a farmer on a train.
    Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods.
    The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The farmer silently takes out $5 and gives it to the professor.
    The farmer asks the professor: "What animal has three legs when ascending a mountain and four legs when descending a mountain?"
    The professor thinks hardly but couldn't find an answer, so he reluctantly pulls out $500 for the farmer.
    The farmer takes the $500 and prepares to nap, the professor asks: "What animal is it!?"
    The farmer takes out $5 and gives it to the professor, then he falls asleep.
     
    #23867
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    EASYJET - Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
    The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
    Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "
     
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  12. antipodean exile

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  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,
    "May I buy you a cocktail?"
    "No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
    "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"


    "No, they spread."
     
    #23880

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